Yesterday at approximately 2:30 p.m. CST, a young man was seen walking by the JM headquarters. Wearing clean clothes and bearing a physique describe by our secretary as 'muscley', he did look like one of the neighborhood regulars. He did, however, have a noticeable swerve in his step. For lack of a real name, I'll refer to him as 'Dude'.

A red Geo Metro was driving on Scott Street (one-way north) when Dude jumped out into the road. The car slammed on its brakes, and nearly came to a full stop when Dude jumped on the hood of the car. Dude then punched the windshield, shattering it with his fist. The driver then accelerated, knocking Dude off the car, and drove to the end of the block. The driver turned the Metro around, and started back down Scott, heading the wrong direction. Dude jumped back into the middle of the street, fist bleeding enough to pool at his feet. He then appeared to challenge the Metro with a series of Karate stances. The Metro driver continued to accelerate toward Dude. Just before the Metro struck him, Dude jumped. It was not a small jump; it was calculated, well-timed, karate-like, as if he was Bruce Lee avoiding a leg sweep. Yet, it was not high enough. Witnesses estimated the Metro was doing about 35 mph at impact. Dude cleared the tiny car's bumper and smashed into the already-broken windshield, then tumbled end-over-end over the car, ultimately hitting the ground and cracking his head on the pavement. On contact with the ground, he immediately jumped up and started sprinting after the still-speeding Metro. Surprising even for someone not bleeding profusely, he nearly caught the car by the end of the block. The Metro started to come to a stop at the end of the block, but realizing Dude was right on his tail, took a sharp right and sped off.

At this point, employees of JM frantically locked the front door and called 911. Dude then took off heading south, leaving a heavy blood trail. He walked straight to EZ Mart (also known as Murder Mart to those familiar) and went to the fountain-drink station in search of some napkins, covering the store with blood. He then walked across Main Street and went into Juanita's. Shortly after, police and fire crews arrived on the scene and were told where to find Dude. With his gun drawn, a police officer found Dude hiding out in Juanita's kitchen. Dude then ran out the back, jumped a fence and took off heading north. Police found him a few blocks away, passed out. An ambulance was on the scene within minutes and hauled Dude away.

I'm sure the driver of the Metro is long gone, scared shit-less from his run-in with what seemed to be a T2000 from Terminator 2. But Dude returned the next day, having been released from the hospital and not charged with any crime. His head and arm were wrapped in bandages, and he brought a friend to see the bloody markings that remained on the pavement. They shuffled around in the street for a few minutes, pointing out the larger spots, then walked away.

I think everyone here at JM learned something from this incident. No matter how bad your life is, misdirection is not a healthy coping mechanism. You shouldn't take out your issues on those around you. But if you do, go ahead and try to fight a moving car, cause that is fucking awesome to watch.